I may have changed for you; but I will not be changed by you. Choice is the only divine quality that we possess. It was my choice to love you; at first. Then love took it from there. Now I find myself standing back at the beginning, Looking out into the light that is fading, Looking in until I see what I could not. Now I know that the right choice was clear all along, but love wanted it to be wrong.
I may have changed for you; but I won’t be changed by you.
an empty room sets the stage. a hollow silence sets the mood. an explosion scatters the pieces of sharp glass. they’re all hurt, and all I can do is run to help them all. they are the loves of my life and in the rush of adrenaline all i know to do is to save them… and I do…
moments pass and I see her standing down the hallway. I am surprised to see her because she has been gone for so long. she signals to me with her hands, asking me to join her. only then do I realize that in rushing to help everyone else I couldn’t save myself…
i can’t wish the rain to fall; i wish i could. falling rain is the best form of water; the most pure and the most honest. rain never lies; the sounds it utters are real. because i cannot wish the rain to fall; i lie. i bring my knees into my chest and sit for hours on end under the falling water of the shower. it’s not rain, but neither am i, and so unlike the rain, i can lie.
a storm passed by me a few minutes ago, leaving the house in ruins. a change swept across the surface of the floor very gracefully; as if it had always been there, looming just around the corner. i have walked past it may times during the comings and the goings of my daily life, still i never saw it coming. if i had seen it then maybe i could’ve held on more tightly to the walls of my bedroom and survived the passing of this night. flowers are blooming on the outside of these remains. cats are still purring and cars are still bustling. it all seems to be going alright until the moment it isn’t. the breeze caught me by surprise because of the violence in it’s voice. it sounded like what i would have imagined silence to sound like; a violence that can not be described outside the walls of this room. the sound of its silence seeped in through the cracks in the pavement and found its way with caution and stealth. had it been noticed then it’s silence would’ve have been broken by the sudden sound of dismay. violence is intensified in the dark. when you can see what’s coming it can’t hit you hard enough to turn noise into silence.
he stood at the doorway and paused for a moment. he never looked back but in his pause he left himself behind. he walked out the door to a place different than the one he had left behind. a place where the person that he left behind could never survive.
a few steps in the muddy streets made him wander off onto a road less traveled; a road not deemed worthy to be put on any map. days went by as the road narrowed slowly; in the end he found a ladder.
People change and forget to tell each other.
– Lillian Hellman
One of my new favorites. There is something about this song that connects to something in everyone. The paradox that we encounter in our daily lives that is unavoidable. We all experience some form of this paradox and I’m sure we’ve been on both sides of it as well.
Not to mention his voice is extraordinarily unique and full of character.
It seems to be a fact that the moment you believe something to be true, you find out that it is not. This speaks to the idea that the reality of the matter is that there are no truths.
We are all chasing after something that doesn’t exist, and it seems as though it isn’t this “truth” or our desire for it that pulls us forward towards it. I believe that it’s more of a force that is pushing us from behind.
Desire is born out of lack, you would never feel the desire for something unless you feel that you are lacking. This also means that desire is born at an instant; at the first instant that you feel lacking. It is that initial lack that drives us forward (if you can even say forward because that implies positive progress).
We’ll never find satisfaction, because we aren’t enough. We are always lacking.
I am lacking…
pure, simple, happy and honest. seems easy enough but it doesn't always work out that way. honest comes easily to me, you know unless my unconscious knows something that i don't. pure is a state of mind, and it fluctuates, as many things tend to do. hand in hand with simple, maybe you can't have one without the other. happy is tricky, especially for me, not because i'm never happy or i think it's impossible, but because happy to me is a mood and not a destination.
I think that maybe sometimes we try to grow up faster than our time, and in the process we ruin some things that were meant for a later time. If you’re baking a soufflé but don’t have enough patience to wait until it is ready to come out, you will ruin it, and it will be gone. not because it is not meant to be but only because you didn’t have enough faith to be patient and kind to its survival.
We want to grow up because we think that the prospects of our future have a better chance of making us happy. but the reality remains that these prospects live in the future, and the air there is different; to take them out of their habitat will ultimately ensure their demise. but what happens once we’ve made the realization that planning and thought are obsessive behaviors and as any other obsession, once they become all you have they self destruct.
too much of a good thing…
There isn’t really much you can do to cure obsession, usually the only way to get rid of one obsession is to replace it with another one. and here is where it gets tricky, we are in our nature obsessive, at least some of us are and to those people life is a matter of knowing which obsession can prosper at which time and which obsession will deconstruct the sequence. you see if you are arrogant enough to think that you can break the chain and go for something whose time has not come, you risk losing it all.
All it takes is one week link to break a perfectly strong and resilient chain… the trick is to give up on fear.
I know most of us rely on fear to help motivate us to move forward, fear of failure, fear of being alone, and fear of death. the truth is it is the fear itself that will cause you to loose.
I believe in one thing above all else; the self fulfilling prophecy.
If we let the fear of failure control us, then the only thing left to sooth us will be failure itself. cause in the end that is the way we are wired. we always need to be right, we always need to believe that life doesn’t just happen to us, but that we know better and we can see it all coming. ergo if i believe that i will fail, not matter how hard i try to succeed and even if i do at one point, my original belief still needs to be satisfied and the only way i will feel right is if life reassures me that my fears were valid, and the only way for that to happen is to fail. the self fulfilling prophecy.
But on the other hand this can also work to our advantage, if we let go of fear and give in to faith, then the flaw that once ensured our failure will ensure our success. if you let go of fear and have faith that no matter what happens you will be fine and failure is only relative, then the self fulfilling prophecy is reversed and now the prophecy is life, of at least what it should be.
Life is what happens when you’re busy making plans… well that is true, life isn’t the sum of all our actions, life is a moment, it is fleeting.
Life is like an increment of time; a second. with each second that passes by a second has gone, never to be again. as is life, a bunch of moments moving quickly behind each other and the trick is a game of musical chairs. the difference here is that there is one player and many chairs, oh, and you control the music. you choose where to sit and how long to stay there. you can choose to linger in one chair and elongate the length of a second, or you can jump around from one to the other hoping to be satisfied eventually.
Here’s the thing, everything is a choice, you are foolish if you think that you are a victim of a life that you cannot control. your life is just that, yours; it is your own and you make of it what you can. I know some people are given different opportunities and are surrounded by different situations than others but the reality remains the same. we all live in a house of cards, and it’s always a matter of choice that determines the quality of our life.
]un-titled[ 